I run a Facebook column on my page titled “Joy of motherhood” and as I typed #14, a flood of emotions swept through me.
It was a little past 6am and my daughter who I call plantain chips due to her love for plantain chips, (ajebutter1) and I were just lying down and starring into the darkness, talking and chuckling.
I remember being pregnant with her, I remember a lot of things, mostly sad. But GOD has kept me.
I went through a lot of emotional pain and physical body pain. I used to feel this burning sensation in my stomach at the time of my pregnancy and I would lie down on the cold bathroom floor with the windows open in the middle of autumn. It felt comfortable for my warm body. Emotionally, it felt like I was in a rot and I had no idea what I was doing in life. Here I was, pregnant, broke and rejected by the ones I thought loved me.
As I shared this story with her, she held me tight, yes children know those who gave up a lot for them.
I was alone, really alone. There are times you are surrounded by people yet you feel lonely.
I talked to Eugene almost daily..GOD rest his soul.. When he died a part of me refused to move on. I still miss him. He would have been my “Mr right.”
As I shared this story with my baby girl I realized how all we have been through has made us the little unit that we are. And as I rounded up my story, she sounded more appreciative of who I am to her.
I went through rejection, heart break, I could find no love in sight and it tore me to pieces. For a long while I did not know who I was. I was trying to please everyone by following what they told me just to prove that I was a good person and at some point I stopped living. I listened to advice to the point where everyone’s words would clash and when I chose to do me, I was called stubborn. I started letting people’s words dictate my life and I noticed when I was alone some of these advisors as I called them in the past were no where to be found. Apart from GOD, there are some individuals who have remained constant in my life as I have lived and for that I am grateful. (who is to define you and say how good of a person you are just because they give you advice. These same people will run around you and say things about you that would knock your socks off and take your breath away).
I have been told I was not good enough, I have been called all kinds of names and treated all kinds of ways, but who is to say these words define me.
The older I got I began to learn to live. I have two lovely people who are looking up to me for everything in a mother and I felt like just breaking free to focus on what was and is more important to me.
I still have my moments, I still have days that I cry and wonder, but through it all I have chosen to live.
To love, to live, to smile more, to be positive, to trust etc.
I have my two little people and if they as children can live, I too can. In fact they have taught me to live. Like my plantain chips would say “it’s no body’s business.”
JESUS was absolutely right when he said we should be like the little children and I love that verse in the Bible for so many reasons (Matthew 18:3).
Basically, I am a work in progress. We shall all get there.