The struggle is definitely real.

“Should I write…?” I asked myself…then I sought a friend, one who knew me…”What should I write about, I have had the need to write about suicide.” I said. Apart from that, nothing came  to mind.

“You should get to work he said”.

I am a believer in GOD, we both are and we believe that the Holy spirit gives utterance. That’s another topic.

I begin.

What is depression: according to oxford dictionary. depression means “a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep”.

According to oxford dictionaries, suicide means “The action of killing oneself intentionally“.

I am from a country in a continent where the struggle with depression is swept under the rug. A country where if you exhibit any form of sadness you are told to “get over it”. In that part of the world, people think depression is a myth.

Let me go straight to my story.

I have smiled and I have cried a whole lot.

I see people do a gratitude challenge on face book and I smile because it’s the little things. Apart from my struggles, what are are my little things?My children.

I remember struggling with depression when I was pregnant with my daughter. My doctor’s office was literally across the street. I used to hate being alone, so I used to walk to her office and just sit in the waiting room and read. She would look at me and smile and she would ask if I was okay. Of course I would say I was. Even if I was going through a really rough time, I could not bring myself to really talk.

Anyway, I had my baby girl and she was just a few months old when we had to pick up and move further up north…when we got up north I felt lively since I saw more friendly faces in a fresh place. A lot began to happen within my family and I lost control of my emotions and slipped into depression. I had no body to really talk to and in my opinion, my spiritual life was far from what it was supposed to be  so I had nothing to hold on to, but one funny thing about everything was that when my daughter would cry, I would forget all and it was just about her. At some point I felt like I couldn’t deal anymore, I felt I wasn’t good enough, I felt I had made too many mistakes. It was more than I made it seem. I was going through more than I had let on. with family, with myself, so many demons.

One faithful day, I was lying down and for no reason tears fell down my cheeks and I just cried quietly, my room was quiet and dark…My daughter was sleeping quietly. I don’t know what got into my head, I looked at my desk and I had a box of pain pills. I should end it all I thought. I cannot go through this pain…the pain was because of known and unknown sources, I could not deal, I could not sort through it all, it became too much. I grabbed the pills, everything seemed bleak and I thought to myself “I am done.”  I looked at the pills and packed it all in my mouth with a glass of water. I had just taken all those pills, it felt like nothing. I just wanted the pain to go away. I went to lie down and I was getting really tired. Then my daughter started crying, “what have I done”? I thought, “who will feed her”? she does not like any kind of formula. I struggled to get up and I held her in my arms. I reached for the phone and called someone…”please call me the ambulance, I am dying.” Before you know it, the ambulance arrived. I ended up at the hospital with intravenous medicines and other medicines to help the pills come out. At this point I figured, if a certain way I feel and if a certain way people treat me could push me to almost take my life then I need to move on and just handle me and let me be me. I look at my daughter now and she is so worth every effort I have made to make my self better

Depression is real and it is a daily struggle, Some days are good, other days are really good. Some days are bad, other days are really bad. When I laugh, I laugh with all my heart. I hold my two children close. They are my little things. As a person who goes through depression, you have to figure out what is worth living for and if you see nothing, then look in the mirror and see how much you are worth. It is not easy and a real struggle but you just have to hold on to dear life.

Never judge a depressed or suicidal person, personally I think it is wrong. You have no idea what their struggles are. If you cannot offer them any help then let them be. Your criticism can push them off the edge. Forcing a depressed person to get therapy can make them worse. The only thing you owe a depressed person is love and tenderness, but when you notice they are suicidal please get them help.

There are different forms of therapy that works for different types of depression. I really feel to each his own as it depends on the situation. Apart from therapy, I sought spiritual help. I am a Christian, I sought GOD and I believe along with therapy HE gave me happiness.

The Bible says there is “Joy in the Holyghost.” Romans 14:17.

.Ps:This is my own personal experience meant to encourage the person who needs encouragement. If you see that you are depressed or suicidal please seek help in whatever part of the world you reside in.

It is difficult for me sometimes, but not to be funny I look at myself and smile. I am grateful I am the sperm that made it. 

May the force be with you.

Jewel.

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11 thoughts on “The struggle is definitely real.”

  1. My dear, you are not alone. I tried committing suicide as a young adult in my 3rd year at UNIBEN cos my father was told by his amebo/liar friend I was sleeping with my lecturer and he beat me to the point that I was bleeding all over. The sad part about it all is, I was still a virgin at that time. Had this ideology of keeping myself for marriage.
    When that happened not once but twice from my dad for the same reason, I didn’t care anymore. Tried killing myself by taking multiple valium pills, as God would have it nothing happened. I only slept for a long time and woke up. I lost my virginity in my final year, didn’t make sense to be insulted and beaten for something I wasn’t doing. I don’t regret losing my virginity cos I loved my boyfriend, it’s just how it happened.
    It really messed me up, you have no idea.
    So I have always know I wanted to study Psych, which is why I pray God willing, my masters will be in Psych Nursing.
    We need to help ourselves and not beat each other up for not being able to follow societal standards.
    God help us all and I appreciate you sharing your story.
    Depression and suicide is so real in our society.
    We need to step up and tackle it.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes and then made me smile. I read your posts on FB and I say to myself,”Does Jewel know how strong she really is?” You are strong dearie. Wrapped up in your tenderness is a strength beyond understanding and your life only gets better. I love you loads, you don’t know the least of it.

  3. You are really a strong person, Golden. I read your posts on FB and I think to myself,”Does Golden really know how strong she is?”. Wrapped up in your tenderness is a depth of strength that can’t be quantified. You can only get better dearie and you inspire me alot. I love you loads, you don’t know the least of it.

  4. Hmmmmmmmm, this is deep………..God bless you for always using ur story to impact those around you, wth this post, i have learnt a lot

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